Selling 'value added' rice to the Chinese ... and other fables

The future for America is bright. It is the shining star of American ingenuity - long established ever since the Boston Tea Party. For those of us who are history challenged I'll fill you in. Back then, an intrepid group of entrepreneurs had rowboats at the ready once the tea hit the water.
They let it steep for a while and then, using huge clay pots with ropes in the handles, scooped up about 1,000 gallons of their new product - New World Order Tea - Limited Sea Salt Edition.
It was the precursor to the modern Tea Party movement, but instead of griping about status quo politics it was originally meant as way to make a buck out of a bad situation.
Enter the Chinese. I propose we park a fleet of massive transport ships just off the coast of the world's most populous country and place huge boilers on each. The ships are given sovereign status as American protectorates - maybe tie 100 of them together with super-long ropes.
Here's the skinny. Call the ships in the aggregate United Ships Sticky Rice or USSR - that's to confuse everyone into thinking it is the second coming of Lenin-Stalin, but the capitalist version, perhaps led by Gates-Buffett.
Anywho, the USSR "imports" raw rice a few miles offshore and then "exports" the gooey stuff right back onto the mainland. The only improvement is to boil it and package it in microwave safe bags complete with chopsticks.
Then label it "Made in the USSR exclusively for the People's Republic of China." As a "value added" product, the capitalist pigs can demand $20 for a 16-ounce bag of rice worth about .25.
Here's another giant idea fit for only the most clever of the marketing minds grazing the American cash landscape: Nuclear-themed products aimed at eager buyers in Iran and North Korea.
How can any Ayatoldya resist a cupie doll dressed like Khomeini with a bandoleer around his shoulders filled with little A-bombs? In his turban we place a little pin shaped like the Koran.
The Korean version can have little short fat dolls with bad haircuts, both arms raised clutching missiles.
Don't forget a complete line of stickers, cause kids love stickers. On the shiny fluorescent design will be the midget walking on an American Flag while dribbling a Dennis Rodman-autographed basketball. For the Iranians we can have two fanged blood-dripping Ayatoldyas burning an Israeli flag.
For the slightly more affluent Koreans, a complete A-bomb radio-controlled drone kit they can fly around their own neighborhood to terrify the dog owner who won't keep Fido (that's Kimchi with meat in Korean) off their grass.
In Iran, the well-to-do can buy pinball machines with each pin shaped in the style of a Great-Satan-American everyone loves to hate - like this one guy with orange hair or perhaps hated capitalists like the aforementioned Bill Gates and Warren Buffett.
If I were an investor looking to add entertainment stocks to my portfolio, well by golly, I'd be pining for Hasbro or Mattell right about now.
Anybody up for a game of Monopoly? It would feature camels, Toyota pickup trucks (complete with mounted machine guns) and RPG's (Rocket propelled grenades) as the moving pieces.
The main guy holding the money would be a cross dressing Ayatoldya midget who claps with one hand while the other clutches a dirty bomb.
Sounds like fun for the whole family.
 

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