We are now the world’s newest Banana Republic

There’s wealth opportunity here
Normally I confine this column to items of local interest involving issues germane to Quad City readers. Recent national developments, however, imply such opportunities to our sleepy little backwater that I cannot in good conscience keep them from the rest of you.

We are now officially the world’s newest Banana Republic. Think about that a minute…

While that statement may disturb some, the astute among us can read between the lines to see what a financial windfall is coming for those who get in on the ground floor. In other words, move over Amazon, there’s a new investment afoot that will make you pale – or should I say “peel” – by comparison.

I almost hurt myself in the rush to get to my computer so I could dump all my Apple stock in favor of the new fruit that will soon be sweeping the nation. Are you with me so far?

Yep, its BANANAS, Johnny Appleseed! I’m buying up banana stock while the rest of the country is still glued to their boob tubes and shaking their collective heads in disbelief over our new status.

Here we are smack dab in the middle of one of the world’s largest fruit growers. (Don‘t tell anyone else, but I have it on good authority that a prominent local grower is at this very writing laying plans to graft banana sprouts to every last apple tree in its inventory. They even have a name for the new hybrid: Banapple).

And get this…they are no longer burning the Amazon (the rainforest, that is) to raise cattle, palm oil and other such nonsense. Now it going to be all bananas. It’s sort of a win-win for us. Since Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro was buddy-buddy with Trump even before we revolted to Third World, he has reportedly offered The Donald a special post as “President in Exile Responsible for Various Earth Related Terrors.” I know it’s a long title. Just remember its acronym P-E-R-V-E-R-T.

The profits are going to be absolutely seismic! And you, loyal Quad readers, are among the first to be let in on this little gem. I suggest that those of you who cannot afford a big investment right now - owing to the pandemic’s financial hit - start small and plow up your back yards - and any adjacent parks, national forest, etc. – that may be handy and set in banana starts. I mean, if it’s good enough for pot, why not?

We are now officially the world’s newest Banana Republic.

We are going to need a name for the third political party: Republican, Democrats, and? I will personally purchase a year’s Quad subscription for the reader with the best submission. We’ve already tried Bull Moose, Socialist, Workers, Libertarian, Green, Tea (not Green Tea), Reform. Constitution, Unity…check out Wikipedia for the complete list, so be original and creative.

Hint: It must be tasteful yet convey sufficient gravitas befitting a once-great nation.

And we’re going to need a new flag. The good news? There is not a single one using the banana as a symbol. Imagine that. I’m thinking something catchy, yet dignified, like: Make America A-peeling Again, or, Careful, Don’t Tread On My Peel, or maybe, Give Me Liberty or Just Give me Bananas. I sort of like this one.

And we have not even addressed a revised Pledge of Allegiance. I never really understood “I pledge allegiance to the United State of America and to the republic for Richard Stands” anyway.

Up until now we were just run-of-the-mill war criminals thanks to that other great 21st century American leader, Dubya, who invaded and destroyed a sovereign nation – along with the Garden of Eden – on false pretenses and left us with the nation’s longest running foreign conflict. Now we have one-downed ourselves with a label we can really sink our teeth into.

We are now officially the world’s newest Banana Republic.

But we’re all gonna be filthy rich! And isn’t that what it’s all about?


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